Memories
consume Like opening the wound I'm picking me apart again You all
assume I'm safe here in my room Unless I try to start again. I don't
want to be the one The battles always choose 'Coz inside I realize That
I'm the one confused" --

These lines from the album
METEORA by Linkin Park of the single " Breaking the Habit" keeps
reminding me of something or the other. Something that haunts me inside.
Always
had that inner desire to achieve something in life, despite the
shortfalls in me. But "something" was always there which forced me to
keep those desires under wraps..but why??? and what????. Then realized
that one can alter itz destiny... a lil bit though, but can't change
it. So accepting it was what i started doing lately. thatz why i felt
safe..ok let it be and blaah. But ohh wait a minute .. that inner
desire fired another salvo, to start again, fight again. Therefore--
'"Don't know what's worth fighting for Or why I have to scream I don't
know why I instigate And say what I don't mean", -- want to break the
habit of keep on pushing for.

But then this infighting inside me
has really torn me apart. I mean trying to come to terms with life to
either flow wid it or swim against it. Thatz why i quite easily relate
myself, my life till now with Linkin Park's music. I feel so close to
it. To keep off from this meandering
inside, i thougt it better listen to your heart, coz there are 2 minds"
don't we have??" So start listening to a small yet powerful machine"-
heart. So from now onwards listen to only one entity, and stay away
from 2 jealous nerds. yes yes Heart is alright, doesn't have brain..
wow so won't think and i would be in total peace. No insomnia, no
nothing.

But the emotional is this Machine, GAWD. Became an emotional fool ..that the two nerds started laughing on me.
Hmm.. what to do???


What
to do then????? Hmm relatively simple, tuned up my head- scolded both
the idiots to stay calm and said wud listen to both of you. OHh yeah..
chucked out the heart from my so called "MINDSET".
To apply the
said, stoned my self, chucked out the ego too!! started being alone.
Hmm.. Lonely Recluse i thought.. yeah a nice one!! coz being alone has
taught me to be "MYSELF". Yes now i knw... to strike a balance and
live, thatz how i live.. at least NOW!!! Ending wid the lines of
another single by Linkin Park:
" Something has been taken from deep inside of me The secret I've kept locked away no one can ever see Wounds so deep they never show they never go away Like moving pictures in my head for years and years they've played."


lOnLeY rEcLuSe - Love the Way i AM